destiny passing by

when you drop it like its hot

2010-08-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

I dropped my stress ball and it rolled under my bed! I hate it when I drop things these days. Picking them up ain’t easy anymore. My spine attempts to snap with every bend. With my growing belly and never ending backaches, who would love to keep on stooping? My toes are even starting to disappear.

There are just some things in my life that I wish I didn’t drop – ‘coz it ain’t easy picking them up at all. There is a snap at every bend. Much more than that, there are mortalities. Some of them I cannot bring back to life, not in any form. Counting on the things that I have lost, it makes me feel so undeserving of the things that I have found along the way. Getting my way out of this confusion is a journey that I wish I could step into the light upon its culmination, without seeing heaven.

Like the morning begins the day, there are always new things to be found to compensate on the things that one has dropped and lost. If it rolled under some bed, there’s always a way to get it out of there. If there are no other ways, then there are other opportunities.

In college, I dropped a five-unit Chemistry class to make more time for campus journalism.I end up blogging.

=)

tuesdays with morrie

2009-12-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6900.Tuesdays_with_Morrie_An_Old_Man_a_Young_Man_and_Life_s_Greatest_Lesson">Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson by http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2331.Mitch_Albom">Mitch Albom

Sad, but fortunate.
Not all of us will have the chance to foresee our death. As it is certain, it has no estimated time of arrival, whatsoever. Thus, lucky are those who had the time to say goodbye. The luckiest is Mitch.Aside from being able to say goodbye, he was able to learn life's greatest lesson: that nothing can feel more love than the heart - neither can the eyes see beauty than the heart.
I just hope that I would get the same chance everytime a loved one will drift off to eternity. That I would know when so, I will be able to show them the all the love that they deserve. When it is my time to go, I wish to have the same opportunity. That I will be able to share the wisdom that life has taught me.
http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/2708609-faith-ann">View all my reviews >>

putting the chicken and the egg to a halt

2009-12-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

Its disarming when philosophy disproves your notion. Just recently, I was so certain that it was the egg first before the chicken, that the idea of the egg was formed first before the chicken came to be. It was just a process of evolution that brought the chicken about.

Just few minutes ago, I was doing some online reading on philosophical inquiries and the argument from motion, my belief was shattered. Yes, the chicken came before the egg. The reason is:

“Since actuality precedes potentiality, the chicken precedes the egg.”

Both agreed upon by Aquinas and Aristotle. I am no philosopher, what can I say then? I have my Foreign Language class tomorrow and I don’t think this is of any relevance, why do I keep on digging into philosophy anyway? Now, I’m in too deep, so I would rather face it.

More than the chicken coming before the egg, the idea that actuality precedes potentiality has struck me in another way. As a writer, why do I read and research before I get into my writing. Why do I have to have my stories based on some facts when I can make it a whole lot different? I have a free world. The reason is just the same: actuality precedes potentiality - whatever is moved, is moved by another.

A touch of reality gives life to a dream. The present gives birth to the future. With what we experience, growth is bred, and so does wisdom.

Hopefully, this is the culmination of the chicken and the egg askance for me. I would rather be asked how I was made or how I came to be. I will definitely give you a reason or even a story that no philosopher can argue about.

…Sorry Dad, for being so nosy I read your college diary…I may be wrong about the chicken and the egg but I know exactly how I was made!!! :-)

the choiceless attack

2009-11-30T01:07:00.000-08:00

Waking up with the laundry undelivered and a swollen eye may not be categorized under a “good morning” but that could not prevent a great day from happening. The microwave just stopped working, though late last night it made a perfect mac and cheese heating – how can they happen all at once? Maybe because its Friday. Maybe because it has to happen.

Getting pissed off makes me think more than I usually do. It makes me patient – makes me experience sublimation. You experience a lot when there is nothing you can do about certain situations. Just like wanting to be asleep when you have a pile of tasks on the deadline. When you are left choiceless, you make the right decisions, or breathe a little for a while to clear the mind.

After all, a grit that lasts will ruin the teeth.

love is a slow kiss goodnight

2009-11-26T03:53:00.000-08:00

My first encounter with this selection was way back in college...when i was seeking to understand love. Instead, it was love who understood me.

Love is a slow kiss goodnight.It´s anticipation.

Love is an imperfection in yourself not bothering you.It´s acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn´t right yet.It´s patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles.It´s exploration.
Love is not having to say "Let´s make love", because you know what the other persons wants.It´s understanding.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed.It´s consideration.
Love is both of you remembering protection.It´s responsibility.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles.It´s humor.
Love is being told "Stop and I´ll kill you".It´s desire.
Love is reviewing the damage to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door to the bedroom.It´s abandonment.
Love is seeing what your lover really looks like for the first time.It´s truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring.It´s joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace.It´s ecstasy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew.It´s renewal.
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rather be woken.It´s tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder.It´s where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover. Slowly.It´s sensuousness.
Love is belatedly knowing why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago.It´s practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed.It´s closeness.
Love is knowing you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person.It´s trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent.It´s faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore".It´s a lesson in human frailty.
Love is opening your medicine cabinet and finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a pretzel.It´s adaptation.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before.It´s reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover.It´s loneliness.

Love is stories that will never be told.It´s personal.Love is a slow kiss goodnight.

spelling the name of disaster

2009-10-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

This time, it was a Saturday.

A little more than a year ago, it was a Friday. I was on my way to work then, but I could no longer make it through the flooded city streets. I had to go back into the house, frustrated because I could not leave. Aside from that, the news kept me so worried because they say that in our town, the waters have gone high already. I could imagine my anxiety back then. I was staying in the city and I could not contact any of them came the afternoon. Just before the break of a new day, the rain stopped. I got home.

I came face to face, literally, with disaster. People got busy putting their lives together. It took time before everything and everyone got back to their feet.

Last week, there it went again. It prevented me from leaving, too. My flight the next day was canceled and was rescheduled due to the hateful weather condition. The disaster struck us again. Not the same area, though, but with almost and even more damage. Frank, Ondoy and the upcoming Pepeng - may it assume any name -has caused millions of property, livelihood and priceless lives.

With this sight, no matter how we ask for reasons why, the answers seem vague. Instead of asking, there is much more that we can do. We can HELP.

and PRAY.

(Photo courtesy of news.yahoo.com)

someone else

2009-09-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

"What if the person you loved became someone else?"
-Possession, 1999

Scary.

Whether it be someone else better or someone else worst. The thought of change is something that one should stand up to when loving - because everyday it happens, and it happens from moment to moment.

What would you do if he adores you now and turns his head the minute the girl next door passes by? What would you think if he gives you only one long stemmed rose from supposed to be a dozen boquet? What would you feel if he's crazy about you and suddemly talks about how the past has made you so inadequate.

Even anticipation could not spare youu from hurting especially when you need security instead. Even knowing the person you love does not guarantee that when these changes happen it is going to be pain-free. No wisdom can shield you from the rocks that will fall upon you, nor could it hold you from falling on those sharp ones.

Change, though, should not make you love less. You can decide to persist. Unless...

you look into his eyes and see someone else.

desiderata

2009-03-12T04:42:00.000-07:00

i am back. and i want to be back for good. i have missed my blog and so much about writing.

this is what led me home:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career
however humble;
it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you
to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,
drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

un-sober

2008-07-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

i had another cup of strong americano. gracie and i went to enjoy some booze after work. both of us just got a little groggy but we were not able to obtain the drunken-ness that we are dying to achieve. we did not talk a lot because we were both preoccupied by the thoughts why we end up wanting beer instead of sleep. for the first time in months, i did not head directly home.

well, this is not an ordinary day...because we are dealing with a not so ordinary pain.

the pain of insecurity.

sorry, i could not extract more.

roll call

2008-06-06T18:59:00.000-07:00

for the past two months, i had been busy with my new job. i moved to new company and it means the big "A" - - - adjustment. I had no more time to read and write. the only thing that i could do when i get home is turn on the computer and hit my play list and doze off to dreamland.

everything is doing fine and looking forward that its gonna be great in a matter of time.

meanwhile, evrything's simply easy.

the queen

2008-05-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

THE QUEEN
by Pablo Neruda

I have named you queen
There are taller ones than you, taller.
There are purer ones than you, purer.
There are lovelier ones than you, lovelier.

But you are the queen.

When you go through the streets
no one recognizes you.
No one sees your crystal crown, no one looks
at the carpet of red gold
that you tread as you pass,
the nonexistent carpet

And when you appear
all the river sound
in my body, bells
shake the sky,
and a hymn fills the world.

Only you and I,
only you and I, my love,
listen to it.

eyes wide shut

2008-03-25T02:45:00.001-07:00

Insomnia attacks. Lately, I had been battling with awaken-ness. I could hardly sleep.

I miss the times that the moment lay my head on the pillow, I easily drift into slumber. Is it me or is it the bed?

Whatever.

Even the weekends are filled with running thoughts that are not worth the chase.

I wish to wake up from being awake.

missed tech girl

2008-03-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

Oh my! I thought it will be forever. Finally, I was able to write again.
I had been a bum for two weeks...deprived myself of the web. I guess I had the time of my life to take off from the world first.

I have new job. Stricter than the previous...no internet access. Just the tools being used for the operations...very limiting...but i have to put my heart into it. Frustrating because I failed my first exam, but that was it. No second takes, but there is still tomorrow to come, anyway.

:-( I miss my friends...blogging, Friendster, Facebook and the free coffee.

This would just do for now.

cindy on the loose again

2008-02-28T23:57:00.000-08:00

I have enjoyed.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

dating me

2008-02-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

The Sonnet

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

Always avoid: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The False Messiah (DBLM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Last Man on Earth (RBSD)

Consider: The Loverboy (RGLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

coffee crumbles

2008-02-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

What is your occupation? - HR soon to be a bum.

What color are your socks right now? - sock-less.

What are you listening to right now? - airconditioning sytem.

What was the last thing that you ate? - tocino...tocilog.

Can you drive a stick shift? - hate driving, love the car...

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?- no other than PINK.

Last person you spoke to on the phone? - Ponz

Do you like the person who sent this to you? - of course, love that girl.

Favorite drink? - coke.

What is your favorite sport to watch? - world pool championships.

Have you ever dyed your hair? - yeah, last week.

Dog name - geisha belle, snowy, strike, baby doll and bruno.

Favorite food? - anything non-veggie. i eat veggies, too, but on a taster's level only.

Last movie you watched? - on my pc only: we were soldiers. a mel gibson war classic.

Favorite Day of the year? - rainy days and mondays always get me down

What do you do to vent anger? - write. classic love songs. bed. emote.

What was your favorite toy as a child? - kitchen set.

What is your favorite, fall or spring? - summer.

Hugs or kisses? - xoxo - lots of both.

What kind of pie? - pizza pie. still a pie, right?

Do you want your friends to email you back? - of course. communication is a 2-way process.

Who is most likely to respond?- some only.

Who is least likely to respond? - my sis

Living arrangements? - scattered and unarranged.

When was the last time you cried? - a few hours ago. just a few teardrops of hapiness, though.

What is on the floor of your closet? - nothing. the bottom is empty.

Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? - i am gonna blog this.

The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are sending this to? - none.

Favorite smell? - newly changed bedsheets and his worn shirt.

What inspires you? - everything that happens inspires me to go on.

What are you afraid of? - ghosts and other unfamiliar animals.

Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? - spicy.

Favorite car? - nothing in particular.

Favorite cat breed? - pusakal.

Number of keys on your key ring? - 2

How many years at your current job? - almost 2 years.

Favorite day of the week? - wednesday. like today.

How many provinces have you lived in? - 2

How many countries have you been to? - 1

***thanks marie. i was able to pass time away, while my slideshow is buffering. yeah, i am making a very, very special slideshow, which i will soon send you. Hehehe! you know what it is.

up karma down

2008-02-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

I am gonna miss my long hair...goodbye split ends and tangles. Of course, I am not gonna miss being pissed off every morning when I am trying to look decent and not some frustrated bold starlet of the 60's. :-) hehe!

I am looking forward to long hours of travel today. I will be seeing calming sights of the countryside. Vangie and I will be coming over to Nabas to attend Divine's burial tomorrow. For the last time, I am gonna send off my friend to her corporal resting place. How I wish she could have seen my reddish hair. For sure, she will say, "Ate, ang arte mo talaga!!!" Someday, we will see each other in the most beautiful state.

---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo---

The bygone wrongs bring forth sorrows and woes The bygone right breeds bliss. "This is the doctrine of Karma.”

What goes around comes around. This is the law of cause and effect. I came accross an article explaining how Karma works. Somehow, I had been skeptical about it, believing only that vengeance is not ours. Well, not ours really, but fate has a way of picking us up from the fall or pulling us down when we are way up there and out of control. It could either show its effect immediately, or its gonna exhaust its strength in the future. I am enlightened and encouraged to do more good. It is like banking for the future. It is an assurance more than Social Security could ever provide.

In the next lifetime, what entitiy would I be? Of course I don't wanna be an ape!!! Bloody hell! Ang panget, uy! I wanna be a butterfly. A princess butterfly. Colorful, free-flying and an agent of pollenation. Beauty with a purpose, huh.

Whatever. Just feeling queer. Hope to get a little lucky today.

girlandia

2008-02-19T10:04:00.001-08:00

Finally, i had my hair done. Thanks to Dexter, my stylist who refused to cut my hair short. No more bad hair days. Only, flippin' and bangin' my red head. The color was actually Dex's choice - a combination of Ash Brown and Burgundy, so when highlighted, it produces a golden, reddish radiance. In short, it's Christmas in February! Falala-lala-lalah!

I had been pretty busy lately. Busy catching up with rest and sleep during the day. I feel rejuvenated. Now, no more sleepless days. I had more time watching downloaded movies. I had the chance to watch my favorite mushy flicks again, which includes, Sweet Home Alabama,Freaky, Friday, Fools Rush In, Mean Girls and of course, ConAir!

And I get to watch something new, too. In The Land of Women.

It is actually a 2007 film where Adam Brody (Carter). plays the role of a heartbroken young man who decides to take time off by hibernating in a suburban place with his grandmother. Aside from taking the responsibility of taking care of his folk, he gets to meet Meg Ryan (Sarah) and her daughters which got him caught up in an emotional web.

It gave me some thoughts to figure out. There aren't enough men in the world. All through my school days, the ratio of girls versus boys is 2:1. The bi's and the gays are flourishing, so that is a big loss to the machismo population. This makes a land of women, indeed. Now, would it be okay for all women to share their men with the others? How I wish I could say, I don't mind, but if I would readily agree to this, I am definitely out of my mind. (No way, Jose!!!)

How about being a woman? Men thinks its easy being us. Why not go through a post partum? Or give birth to a nine-pound baby, naturally? Perhaps, they would learn to behave themselves, and know when to pop their balls out of their pants. I do not mean to generalize, but this is a bitter reality - men are just boys grown tall.

Too little men. Too little time. Love 'em. Keep 'em for as long as you can.

day of hearts

2008-02-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

Valentine had never been this special.

The past weeks weren't so kind. I have cried so much. I have lost so much. The only thing that I wanted for today is a good day's sleep with peace in my heart.

(My new Valentine babies from Ponz - Gaussian & Gradient.)

Here's a valentine message in a story: Thanks to Warrior of the Light

Gerson Luiz tells the story of a rose that longed for the company of the bees, but none would come to her. Even so, the flower was still capable of dreaming. When she felt all alone, she would imagine a garden filled with bees that came to kiss her. And so she managed to resist until the next day, when she opened her petals again. “Aren’t you tired?” someone must have asked her.

“No. I have to go on fighting,” answered the flower.

“Why?”

"Because if I don't open up, I wither."

my 16 PF result

2008-02-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Therefore, I conclude that I am a warm, intellectual, lively, dutiful, assertive, abstract, introverted and independent person.

Did it say beautiful?....Why not?

divina gracia

2008-02-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

Never did I expect that the next time I will see her would be in an ICU bed at the hospital. My last memory of Divine was that she was carrying her days old baby in front of our terrace. Divine, Vangie and I were housemates not more than a year ago. We were actually next door neighbors and became good friends. We considered each other's family as our own.

During the dead hours of the day, we would talk about everything under the sun - from our "kikay" stuff to our love stories. Just like me, she was one impulsive lover. She and Ken met at the hotel where she works as a front desk attendant in the island of Boracay. They eventually fell in love and that bore them a baby boy, Franz. Plus, she is no stranger to me because she and my cousins in Kalibo were schoolmates.

Vangie left her door empty first. That left me and Divine, and the visits of our family members, together. We became a bit closer. There are times that I would look after her baby and her sister when she had to go to a nearby store. It didn't last that long, though. Weeks after giving birth, they had to go home to Nabas, Aklan. I was able to go their place before, but that was when we visited our parish priest's foster family and we haven't known each other then. Aklan is one familiar province because we have families there also. I even told her that when I go to Boracay, I would try my best to drop by.

I went to Boracay. I passed by Nabas. I thought of Divine and her family. But I wasn't able to drop by because I was in an outing with the whole company. I thought, some other time, maybe. Then, the rest of my thoughts about this friend, who looked up to me and considered me her "ate", were set aside. I knew that she and her baby is going to be well and safe in the care of her family, and in their own place.

This morning didn't go very well. The cold from the night's rain awakened me earlier than usual. I was planning to go back to my apartment early because in the afternoon, we have Angela's birthday party to attend to. I had to catch some sleep, for after the party I will be working again. In short, I am faced with a cold, manic Monday. I have just finished reading good morning wishes from friends and having my traditonal coffee and cigarette breakfast with my mom dowstairs when my phone rang again. It was a text message from Vangie saying that Divine is in coma in a nearby hospital. I had my things packed, so I immediately changed and met Vangie at the terminal.

We had a lot of catching up with each other's lives when we were on the jeepney. I apologized for the many invitations that I declined because I was so busy with work. I missed my goddaughter's birthday, and their fiesta, too.

Yet, we never imagined what awaits us in the hospital. When we got there, information had trouble locating Divine, so we had to double check it with the admitting section. When we finally got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit, we were confronted by Divine's fragile body all connected to tubes and wirings. We held each of her hand and shed our tears, for we cannot bear seeing her like this. We would imagine her baby waiting for her to come home and tells her this over and over, hoping that the thought of her son would bring her back, or even merit response.

She never responded anymore. But we could see the heartbeat monitor rise. Divine could hear us. How we wish we could hear her, too.

Ken arrived in the afternoon and we saw each other at the hospital at night when I dropped by after Angela's party. He had no more tears left to cry. I had to go to the office because I had to work. When I got to work, I had Ken and Vangie calling, saying that the family has decided. After the last drop of the intravenous medication is done, they will take the life support system. That would be anytime as I write now.

To you, my dear Divine:

Rest well, in the arms of the Maker. There will be no more pain for you, only hapiness and eternal peace. You have left us your hopes and your dreams and you have left us, Franz. You have lived fully, for you have loved truly.

We will miss you, friend. I just wished we could have seen each again other in a happier situation - like an afternoon coffee at Vangie's place or mine, with Via and Franz playing along. Who knows? By that time, I would already have my little "me" chasing them.

You are lucky, because now you are safe. You are becoming true to your name. I still have a lot to go through. Unlike you, I will still experience the hostility of the world and break my heart a hundred more times.

Watch over us.

See you later.

siete pecados

2008-02-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

"Sin creates an inclination to sin. It engenders vice by the repetition of the same acts."

This is not to claim self righteousness, or to purchase a ticket to heaven. Simply, this is just a presentation of the sins that I, too, have committed and once or still developed as a vice. At the same time, it is also upsell the virtues that we often sin against.

PRIDE/VANITY. Defined as an excessive love of self and belief in one's abilities. It is where all the other sins root from. The battery that keeps all evil working. Comes along with Pride, is it's twin sister, Vanity (- it is my favorite sin). They say that pride and vanity will always call for competition. "If someone else's pride bothers you, then you have a lot of pride yourself."

The horse and the color violet are said to be the allies of pride.

ENVY. Defined as desiring what other's have, may it be material or situational. Its is a manifestation of discontentment and a result of desiring more than what you have. Instead of being happy for the achievements of others, we wish for their losses. As Desiderata says, "Do not compare yourself with others because for always, there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

The dog and the color green are said to be the allies of envy.

GLUTTONY. Defined as the consumption of much more than what is required. It is taking much more than what we need. Acquiring more and more properties without considering that others do not even have something to eat. "Take everything in moderation."

The pig and the color orange are said to be the allies of gluttony.

LUST. Defined as the excessive craving for the pleasures of the body. It is wanting more of sex without taking into consideration of the emotions that come in between and the sanctity of its purpose. Thus, it is the id or the most primeval tendencies that controls over the mind and heart. Lust also has a twin named Promiscuity. "To highlight lust and promiscuity can hurt the body, the mind and as well as the soul."

The cow and the color blue are said to be the allies of lust.

ANGER/WRATH. Defined as a state of fury towards someone or something. It is a crippling emotion which will prevent you from doing good to others, especially if you are angry at them. It is a catalyst of revenge and all other wrong doings. "He who angers you, conquers you."

The bear an the color red are said to be the allies of anger.

GREED/AVARICE. Defined as the the sin of covetousness. It is the desire for material wealth. Greed is having so much at the expense of others. It is preventing oneself to grow. It is selfishness. "Materialism is the only form of distraction from true bliss."

The frog and the color yellow are said to be the allies of greed/avarice.

SLOTH. Defined as indolence or the lack of willingness and passion for work, may it be physical or spiritual. It is the lack of effort to make a living and the indulgence in confort and luxury. "Work is love made visible."

The goat and the color light blue are said to be the allies of sloth.

The Bible does not specify a single book or even a chapter on these sins alone, yet they are present from Genesis through Revelation, as they are existent in our daily living and that, we are tempted (more often unconciously) to commit them.

I could not cast the first stone, but let us one by one pick up what sin we have thrown to others and choose to be virtuous for as much as we can.

"Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit."

uplift from gmciusallc yahoo groups

2008-02-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

Wed Mar 7, 2007 10:53 am

Character is the most vulnerable victim of assassination. And it is the most defenseless to attack. Yet, it could take in only a littleand most often, the damage is collateral.

If we stain other, people’s character, we do not only destroy what other’s see of him, but at the same time destroy what he sees of himself. And the most hurting of all, is that, we also damage ourselves.

Guilt is more of a killer than gossip. It may not be true the moment after the damage has been done, but in the our days of stagnation and degenerativity, we will come to realize that we wasted a lot of time minding other people’s business.

Not that I have never done that. I, too, had been both a victim and the assassin. For the rest of my life, I have sworn to salvage myself from both the damage and the guilt.

In this business we are in, we encounter a lot of different personalities. Some are nice, some not so nice, and some has lurking evil in their gut. Anytime, gossips from one to the other could roam around. Instead of mending it among the people involved, most of us would strip away confrontation as an option. Some would choose to involve others who are not supposed to be involved luring them to sin.

But let us not ignore that you get whatever you give. The effects of your being mean may not take its toll in the same place or immediately after each circumstance, but sooner than you will ever imagine.

i have left you my right

2008-02-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

"No law shall be passed abridging the freedom of speech, of expression, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and petition the government for redress of grievances."

-Art. 3, Sec. 4 of the 1987 Constitution of the Philippines

Thus, stated in the Bill of Rights, that every Filipino has the right to peaceably redress their grievances. This in fact, is included amongst the highest law of the land. With this freedom comes great responsibility.

Here is my piece, and I hereby do my responsibility:

Many have read the articles in my blog. It is an extension of oneself. A primer to one's soul. I have friends who keep track of me through my writings, as I keep track of theirs, too. With this, we update each other with our lives without saying much.

Few days ago, I have received a feedback that one of my blog articles bothered some people. In the first place, why be bothered? There is nothing more bothersome than guilt. It killed Judas, right? I didn't even know those people read my blog. Perhaps, they are my friends who would like to keep track of me, too. Of course, I am glad that somehow, I could add them to my growing list of fans.

Until one day, I have received a message saying that I should be cautious about what I write because what I have written could be used against me. I am thankful, for the generous concern. Yet, I could not grant the request of one of my articles be hidden, edited, deleted or disclaimed. For I have none to fear, or the least be cautious about.

Those are my opinions, yes. But no one was specifically identified, neither did I drop any names. I was taught that responsible journalism is safer than latex condoms.

Art. 353 of the Revised Penal Code of the Philippines pointed that, "the elements of libel are (a) imputation of a discreditable act or condition to another; (b) publication of the imputation; (c) identity of the person defamed; and, (d) existence of malice." Unless all of these elements are present, no crime committed.

"A man's reputation is the estimate in which others hold him in, not the good opinion which he has of himself."

new leaf

2008-02-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

Isn't it more of an overthrown flower, instead?

Anyway, I am glad that finally, my site looks shiny and new. It took me a long time to find a three-column template which would suit the title of my blog better. Well, of course, there are still the old ones, but most of it would be something this page couldn't do without.

Happy about the changes. Looking forward to finding more of myself as I blog on.

from france to spain

2008-02-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

“I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart. Someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”

-an excerpt from By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

Time is still and none but the silence of the outside noise awakened me. I tried going back to my day sleep, but none drools me like the night. I wished I could hide away the confusion and cover it with the blanket that I used to cover myself when I am cold.

Yes, that elusive peace that I deserve and the search for it is haunting me again - the peace that I longed to have with someone. I had a glimpse of that few weeks ago. Winding roads, dark and foggy, I have held the hands that secured me and whose heart is as restless and trapped as I am.

I expected to be unpretty. I expected to be jealous. I expected for demands over and under the linens. I expected to be on my own. Never did it cross my mind that I will be wrong. For all along, I was carried over to cross the concrete river. I could only hear the applause of the angels behind us.

I had my introduction to gambling. Yet, I never felt like it was all a risk. I was never a big better so I did just fine having fun with the little tugs and warm encouragements that was banked on me. I will never trade the soft kiss for a slot machine jackpot.

Surely, there are no repeats. There’s always everyday to look forward to, anyway.

mad girl's love song

2008-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

by Sylvia Plath

For Melody, who's mad as ever...but a girl? That's better left in question. Hehehe!Just kidding my dear Melody fair...you are just more man that those substance abusers who couldn't even face their fears. Go girl. Sing the maddest love song, for I know in the end, you will have the loudest laugh.

candyman on the loose

2008-01-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

"Nothing stings more than to strain your lungs away to sing to someone who wants to sing your song to someone else."

-a text message fron Tonette, 12:57am, 29th January 2008

(Sharing half of the camera with Tonette)

To those who were fooled
by his sweet talk and caring gestures:

You are not alone.
We are all victims of the truth
that he is such a conqueror.
And we have made ourselves
qualified for seduction...
voluntarily.

Here's the deal fellas:
he would bloat your stomach,
levitate your heart
and creep into your pants.

He will do all these
as fast and furious as he can,
because tomorrow
he will be gone.

just this

2008-01-23T14:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, i had the worst day and the best cry. It was an extraodinary day, indeed, because it will never happen again. I never felt drowned and floating at the same time. I was just - heartbroken.

looking alike

2008-01-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

Just trying my luck of finding my long lost siblings!

dying of stiff neck

2008-01-16T23:34:00.000-08:00

Ugh. My neck hurts like hell! Perhaps, I am still adjusting to the waves of the waterbed. It's theraputic but just like all others, it needs a little getting used to. Perhaps, I will feel its comfort - soon.

Been eating a lot of pork lately...too early for hypertension...

10 Things to do before I die:

1. Keep my things in order.
2. Compile all my pictures in my PC in one folder - in memory of me...or make my own slideshow.
3.Arrange my funeral theme - make it magical and enchanting.
4. Have a complete family dinner.
5. Get my dogs lots of shampoos and leashes until they come of age that they do not destroy their leashes anymore, and walk them during my last 10 remaining nights.
6. Have a fun party with my friends.
7. Hair extensions and nail art.
8. Read a romance novel.
9. Body spa.
10. Fall in love.

He he he! Just kidding. There's a lot more, and one lifetime won't be enough.

catharsis

2008-01-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Hmmnnn...my recent few entries were all about my whinings about love, work and life. There are just a lot of evil spirits lurking around. Now, I have a lot to be happy about.

Finally, I am a proud mom to a bouncing baby boy!

I didn't know it was going to be a boy. I labored for him at an auction in the mall. When I finally held him in my arms, my dreams of having my own were fulfilled. He is the cutest!

Say hi to my newborn baby monkey kong, "Nonoy".

Me and my baby boy, Nonoy.

Nonoy with Tonet's baby girl, Lowlah...sweet, isn't it?

rising star

2008-01-15T13:15:00.000-08:00

All the while I thought, only women are so fond of gossips. But I was proven wrong by four d***kheads in my workplace. Why do they have to pry so much about my life when I don't even care about theirs? They must hate me so much, because I choose non-faggots. Perhaps it is their way to feed their children and buy their women and men clothes. How aweful...all their lives, they had to sell their goodness to survive.

Oh, these desperate wannabe's rely on the illusion and comfort that drugs could provide. That's why I became a controversy. To them, i am a shining star.

Sorry, boys. I prefer men with dollar accounts.

stealing Casanova

2008-01-15T08:43:00.001-08:00

By the fair leather he sits,
deep in his thoughts.
Numbering his countless conquests
in bewilderment and steamy nights.

Late in the afternoon
I loved him in candid.
His strides - took control
of the world, of my heart.

More than power, more than wealth
his nose in its aquiline tilt;
Bashing lashes and gentle words
so perfect a timing when he held
my hand.

He posed to be only a quarter
of the man that I dream
But with the crunch in his laughter,
I become his concubine.

He lives his record
of twenty women kept
in twenty apartments,
and here i am:

aiming to dwell in twenty-first.

How i wish he speaks in French
or something more foreign
so that i will fail to hear
the hypnosis of his sweet talk.

But he speaks my language
and sings my song before me.
Availed himself for my grasp
when all else is dark and the road
seemed endless.

Even if I curl myself into a ball,
He would seduce, tease and tantalize
but leave me in torment

for this Casanova
will never be mine.

stealing Casanova

2008-01-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

By the fair leather he sits,
deep in his thoughts.
Numbering his countless conquests
in bewilderment and steamy nights.

Late in the afternoon
I loved him in candid.
His strides - took control
of the world, of my heart.

More than power, more than wealth
his nose in its aquiline tilt;
Bashing lashes and gentle words
so perfect a timing when he held
my hand.

He posed to be only a quarter
of the man that I dream
But with the crunch in his laughter,
I become his concubine.

He lives his record
of twent women kept
in twenty apartments,
and here i am:

aiming to dwell in the twenty-first.

How i wish he speaks in French
or something more foreign
that i will fail to hear
the hypnosis of his sweet talk.

But he speaks my language
and sings the song before me.
Availed himself for my grasp
when all else is dark and the road
seemed endless.

Even if I curl myself into a ball,
He would seduce, tease and tantalize
but leave me in torment
For this Casanova will
never be mine.

dreaming of distant comfort

2008-01-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

This had been another rough day. I woke up as early as 6.30 am and had been awake ever since. It's Monday, and as usual, it was manic. I had to toss whatever I could pull out from the closet into my tote. I had to bring some clothes to the pad because I am anticipating a really hectic work week.

I was correct. Monday, indeed, started busy. I had a lot to cope with, since I just came from a one-week escapade. So i have to face the consequences of my absence. I am praying that tomorrow everything will be alright.

Boracay, is it too far away?

agony has no color except black and white

2008-01-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

All doubts confirmed.

They are real and not just crocodiles on my mind. They are women who took him away from me and left me miserable and so much bitter now. I am not afraid to admit that my invincible heart is bleeding. I do not want to doubt the words, "I love you."

I believed in everything he said. But, there he was with her, holding her hands while watching the movie that I long to watch with him. He texts her lovely quotes and caring lines, while I get cursed and maligned. He went to church with her, while I had been asking him countless of times to at least pray with me. Perhaps, he makes sure she is home safe and I get to trudge dark sidewalks, almost drowning in my fears - alone.

Many nights, I lay in our bed smelling only what is left of his soiled shirt. While she gets to have him whole, and maybe, all night long. Often, I have to beg for kisses and embraces, while he might voluntarily give a warm hug when they are in some cold, dark place. All those nights, I am killing my dreams.

No happy childhood memory could serve comfort to my wailing heart.

misses

2008-01-10T23:13:00.000-08:00

I missed blogging! It had been quite a while. Of course, I went somewhere...hehehe! I just had a little break from work and enjoyed post holiday shopping.

Soon to blog more!

"hush now... dear Marie," says unfortunate me

2008-01-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

It's cold. I cannot stay long in my terminal because of the cold. Although, I've got my denim jacket, I am still chilling. I would rather stay out there in the lobby where it is a little warm and smoky.

For the past two days, I have been feeling skeptical. Not only feeling. In fact, advocating skepticism. Is it a hangover of the season, or I just could not accept entirely, that again, I am being taught my lesson the hard way.

Pehaps, I needed a little warmth - little reassurance that I am being loved and somehow not being denied, even to people who already know.

Marie and were talking about some uncertainties. I am so sorry my dear friend. I didn't mean to be so mean, and leave you hopeless. I should be telling you that on Sunday, you are going to be alright. But instead, I have been blurting out my own hurts and disappointments. It just so happened that we have the same, "different" plight. It is me who's currently being disillusioned.

We are both afraid of the same things - to be laughed at when left. Simply because when we pledged our so-called love, we are so proud of it. And it was a good thing that Hec, too, is proud of your relationship. He never claimed that he is single when you are around. :-( It was never a one-way honor.

My dear friend, it's not gonna be long and all of these will come to rest. Though Sunday holds a possible misfortune, just think about those kisses and embraces amidst the crowd. You have all the reason to hold on.

Just two steps behind, girlfriend!

drink moderately

2008-01-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

"To see the best side of others is a great gift."
-St. Marie Eugenie Milleret, Foundress of the Assumption

From silence, I have learned so much. It taught me things that I need not hear. My new year was quiet - but i did not miss the fireworks.

This year has a lot to offer, but what have I got for the year? Give up smoking? I have given that up...well, somehow I still steal intimate moments with the butt. C'mon, total abandonment is never easy. Be a vegetarian? I don't want to be a hypocrite, but i am no herbivore. Of course, I try. I will never give up on something that would be beneficial to my health. How about shopping? With the scarcity of time and funds, that would leave me choiceless. Had that change of heart long before my five-figure monthly income dropped down to four.

Perhaps, take it easy on myself. Be less stringent with myself and do not expect that I could change the unchangeable...like, give up after three trials. Be a little late, and do not wait in vain for those who always are. Keep being apathetic to those who does not, in anyway, contribute a little to my life. Have started it before the end of the year, so I just have to carry it on. Don't try too hard. Do what I got to do and stop going the extra mile, its just tiresome.

Been striving for excellence since time immemorial. Unreasonable, though. There are only a few gifted people who could have a hint of my best. Everyone's trudging the sidewalk. I better join them, too.

Love in a safe mode. Whew! This one I have to hit my real stubborn heart - real hard.

payday mayday!

2007-12-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

Kung hei fat choi!

At last! I am done with my payday task. Everyone's got their pay now. As usual, I did a lil explaining on some disputes...

I hope to have less of this in the coming year.

Happy New Year!

mad about il divo: the man i love

2007-12-27T13:04:00.001-08:00

I have always been a classic.

Here's the English translation of Il Divo's "The Man You Love". Sounds good in Spanish, and I die everytime I read it in English.

If you look at me
you will find love in my eyes
you are my other half
I will give you all myself
without fear of making mistakes
I believe in you and
I will leave in your hands my illusion
I want to be in your heart
I want you to love me the way I love you

I only want to be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't want to change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

I want to be the place where you can shelter
your fear and quieten your anxiety in my arms
from today I'll be everything for you
until yesterday I dreamt of you
and now you're here
I want to know your secrets
I want to find out your dreams
I want to love you this way

I only want to be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't want to change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

I only want to be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't want to change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

Just to be the man you love

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAXIMUS!!!
May all your wishes come true - remember, good things come to those who wait. You will be granted all the desires of your heart. Just keep the faith.

waiting for ash

2007-12-27T02:14:00.000-08:00

Staggered sleep. My mind is still cloudy from installment dreams. I had to go to the office for the my Australian Account training, but i guess, we have to cancel the mock calls for today. My beloved client wasn't able to go online since this morining, and of course, I have been standing by for that. All my communication lines are open, but he was not able to keep in touch. Perhaps he had gone clubbing again and forgot that he had a schedule with us today.

Anyway, what can I do? This my job. The job that I love so well. All these time, I had my world revolving around my job. I got everything here. I am enjoying what I do. Despite all the trouble and countless other disputes, we have each other, and we are happy.

This year, we hope to get more accounts, grow both in revenue and manpower. I have a vision for my company. One of them is having and enjoying our employment benefits.

Live, work, play.

boys are toys

2007-12-26T06:58:00.000-08:00

“A man who fools a woman is like a fool who spits at the heavens. His spit never reaches the sky. It only comes back to his face.”

It is not so “me” to watch teleseryes. I did not happen to have a choice when I didn’t have work one night and my sis and the rest of my cousins were watching such. Of course, I wanted to spend some time with them, so I had to get into their world. There I was in front of the boob tube expecting a lot of boredom and avoiding critical thinking. I volunteered to go downstairs to get some chips and chocolates and let them stay in tuned, not minding if I miss a scene. When I got back, skeptical thoughts are running on my mind when I saw one of the characters crying in bed. Then, her bedmate (another girl, of course) holds her in comfort and said “…dapat kasi ipunin na natin ang mga luha natin at lunurin na natin ang mga lalaking ‘yan…”

Somehow, she is right.

We live in androgyny. Everything about men is misery. They’re only gonna do us dirt.They are gonna kiss us and make us cry. They are gonna leave us hanging every moment. They are gonna lie. They are gonna fool around and make us go mad. They are gonna give us what we want, but not what we really need. They are gonna take everything and be unreachable (as in…”the subscriber cannot be reached”…low bat? Aw, c’mon!).

I am the first born. My dad was honest enough to tell me that he was disappointed I am a girl. He wanted a son for an eldest. At first, I used to get mad, because there are times that I could not get what I want or do what I want because he would take reasons against my gender – e.g. staying out late at night or going to the movies alone…blah, blah, blah! I got even furious when he told me that I could’ve done a lot more it I were a he. I proved him otherwise, and we have come to terms with this. When I was old enough, he told me the real reason why he would rather have me as a son. For him, it is a great responsibility and a challenge to raise a girl-child.

Being my father’s child, I could be identified more of him than my mom. We are both passionate about movies and old songs. He is into art and books as much as I am. He was the one who read me my bedtime stories and taught me my ABC’s. It with his strict guidance that my penciled hand learned how to write. I owe my dexterity to all of his encouragement and pride. For a while, he was the only man in my life…as he always will be. Most of all, it was with him that I learned all that was written on the third paragraph of this prose.

But my learning about men, did not end there, of course. Not just because I wanted to be fair or avoid getting stoned to death by the members of the castrated species, but because as a woman and I am an incomplete man. There are just times that they are more fickle and unpredictable as we are. They are faced with make or break choices. When they hurt the person they love, their pain is doubled. Just like we are, they loose themselves, too.

There is even no need to drown them in our tears, because they drown in theirs.

I am not a man hater. Rather, a struggling lover. I am just trying to know them so well.

the devil doesn't have to wear prada

2007-12-26T06:23:00.000-08:00

Party, party, party!!! GMCI Christmas 2007...Looking forward to a brighter 2008!

Christmas was great. Aside from having two or more days off from work, it is a season when all everyone thinks about is to share and care, not only about themselves, but most importantly, others. It is the time when every one seems to be sooo…kind (hmmnn…I just hope that it’s gonna be this way for the rest of the year). I was able to keep in touch with my family and friends, and having ample time to do so is a blessing to me.

Getting away from the afternoon boredom, I watched “The Devil Wears Prada” for the Nth repeats, at the same time crimping my hair. It annoyed me more to see the models’ and Anne Hathaway’s hair rebonded! I should have had my hair fixed a month ago, but no hair stylist would dare touch it, even if I sign a waiver. Gosh, you should have seen how I begged and get mad at all the beauty salons I came into. Beauty salons are supposed to be like a hospital – they should have emergency measures for dying beauty…like my frizzy hair. I cannot stand another bad hair day. But what can I do? It’s my fault anyway. I was the one who shampoo colored my hair three months ago, which is a mortal sin for a hair that is regularly being chemically treated. I had to wait for another two months before I could get it fixed. Yes, can you believe it? TWO months in agony. I had to get by each day, taking some of my sleeping time fixing my mane with a hair iron, and never leaving without my leave on conditioner.

Moral lesson? Beauty has a price. Not necessarily monetary. Not everything about looking good is being stupid. They say that life is fair because those who are pretty are born to be stupid. This is how the dumb blondes came to be. Yes, there may be a great number that counts on this proportion, but the effort to look good is just as tedious as doing good. To think that not all ugly people are kind, either.

Therefore, the search for BEAUTY is endless. It wraps you whole. It is not defined by one’s façade alone, but the totality of one’s character. It goes along with the person who is imperfect – a person, who makes mistakes, cries over it, regrets, picks up the pieces, smiles, forgives, shares and loves every time s/he can. There is no bitterness in a beautiful person. Instead, there is so much hope for the future and an anchorage on reality.

Soon, it is gonna be a new year, and a lot of beautiful things await me. Looking back on the year gone by, I have lived a pretty gorgeous life. I am surrounded and loved by the most beautiful people that I know of.

no wish list

2007-12-24T00:21:00.000-08:00

Often, I make my wish list months before Christmas time. It's only a few hours and it's already Christmas eve and I realized that I don't have one for this year. I have nothing to wish for, anyway. There are things that I needed, but I know that in time I will have them all - and it does not necessarily have to be there by Christmas...they will come all year long.

What I have now, is everything that I want. I've got the best of friends and a loving family...what else could I ask for.

Most of all, "you" know how happy you make me.

-Picture taken after Rina and I gatecrashed at a private party...swear! we didn't know that it was exclusive, really! Niwang na ko...yahooo!!!

yuletide corner

2007-12-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

It's past one in the morning and I had to get to the office fast. I sped up my pace to keep up with the distance that my little steps are running. I was not feeling so well. The chill of Christmas gives me a floating feeling as I trudge through the busy Jaro Plaza.

When I was working in Manila, I had a hard time going to work. I live in the south and go to work in the north. It takes me three hours of travel to and from work. Taking a car would mean parking fee, driver's food and compensation and gas. If I would take the bus and get off at Farmer's Center, I would have to walk all the way to SM Cubao, where I would again, take a cab or a jeepney bound to Libis - and there I go, Eastwood City!!!

Christmas of 2004 was one of those unfortunate times that I had to go to work. Having only been regularized, I had no choice in my schedules. I had to work at 3am at Christmas and for the first time in 25 years, I was away from my family and my hometown. I felt like I was breaking down. (If not for the holiday double pay and the bi-monthly bonus, I would not oblige of course.)

Taking my usual route from the Farmer's Center, I was soaked in my own pain. My steps were heavy and I was dragging myself with the monetary value of my work attendance as a mantra. I was halfway the cab terminal when I heard a littl girl's laughter. She was laughing so sweet. I looked closer in the Fiesta Carnival area. I saw where the laughter was coming from. A family of four taking the opportunity to enjoy the carnival rides for free - minus the lights and the mobility. Seeing them that way, I hurried my pace and got a cab. When I got to work, I called my own parents and gave them my warmest Christmas greetings.

Perhaps, there are times when people doesn't have to be together. And sometimes, we have to sacrifice our need for togetherness to be able to get the best things in life. We can't have it all, I guess. At least we have to thankful for what we have.

We have all the reasons to be merry this season.
Merry Christmas!

listen to what i am not saying

2007-12-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

To refuse an offer is an insult.

Yeah, right. Lately, I have been getting a lot of these...not the offers. Puts my patience to the test, but my spirit in condemnation of waking up. Nowadays, it is but necessary to think a thousand and twice before offering any kind of caring. It is more than an insult to be driven away by the people you care about (...please, am trying so hard to be skeptical...). Damn, it hurts like hell.

I do not give up just like that. Often, I am passive because I hate arguments, but it doesn't mean that I do not feel unappreciated. I am more sensitive than I apparently am. I may have less demands, but it does not mean that I am not needy. Most especially, when I am silent it does not mean I do not have anything to say.

Hearing almost the same things from a friend, I have come to a conclusion: you will never know what you have, unless you loose it.

time trapped

2007-12-15T15:04:00.000-08:00

"Waste not time searching for happiness.
Freeze frame time,
Still the moment, and observe the happiness
that already surrounds you."

It's a Sunday! I have fallen asleep as though, I have rested in peace. Therefore, I have missed the first of the nine Morning masses. Traditionally, if i would not be able to have a complete attendance of the masses, I make it a point to attend the first day. Aside from this, it is also my mom's birthday. (Happy Birthday, MOM! I love you - you're the best!)

Yesterday, i was so pissed off. I was counting on the auto save feature of this site. It failed me. I was fininshed writing my blog and did the usual - clicked the "publish now" and viewed my page. Only to find out that I have published an empty page. No matter how I tried to track the stuff that i have written, only blank spaces appear. What does it say? There are things in life, that once lost, they could never be recovered.

Actually, there are a handful of them. Time leads them all.

When time is lost, everything in every moment follows. The laughter, the tears and the touch. It will leave you in wonder of the memories and what-could-have-beens. There are just a lot of things to do and time is not enough. It makes us seize the moment. There are no auto save features to rely on.

I have wondered in the many what-could-have-beens in my life. There are lot of things that I let go with time, thinking that it will only pass me by without leaving a void in my heart. I just have to make the most out what is now, because tomorrow it will be yesterday.

los sentimientos de mujeres afligidas

2007-12-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

...in the wee hours of the morning, with a dear friend and with no man by your side: here is what happens...

(with Tonette at Coffeebreak-JP)

Two bitter, heartbroken women
sat by a tree.
Everyone around them seems to be
happy.
Three lovers annoyingly paired
Of the sweetest emotion
they were the only ones spared.
Sipping foamy capuccino
and creamy latte,
Eyes wandering,

their hearts-

each asking:

why love isn't with
me?

i can be the famine or the feast

2007-12-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

silverscreen on my mind

2007-12-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

"I have felt alone all my life, except with you..."

-Lucilla to Maximus, Gladiator

Perhaps, the lines were memorized.

Memories in dimlight were never tarnished,
even if it is being gone over
a million times.
The scenes were viewed in the mind, frame...
by frame.
For many years, this had been
the only way.

Call this a stroke of luck
or a conspiration of destiny,
it is still
a rare chance to have - for both.

(Thank you Diane for your photography and eye for beauty. I fell in love with this picture immediately.)

friendship

2007-12-13T02:41:00.000-08:00

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."

Your friend is your needs answered.

He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.

For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."

And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

-Kahlil Gibran

gladiator

2007-12-12T23:50:00.000-08:00

"I have not forgotten your face,

I still remember your hands;

how did your lips feel on mine?"

Recalling.

As of now that is all i could count on. But I am elated by the long stored love. All the while, I thought I was only assuming. Cried tears in silence, hoping I could set it aside. Nobody knows it, but me. Just like the knight that you are, you knocked me over.

You have traveled far, fought your battles and conquered sand castles. Here I am left battling my own fears, too. We were made beautiful by fate and distance.

I will see your armor, shining from afar.

dishwashing waterloo

2007-12-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

Over time, I had to battle with one of the things that women (men say) are made for: washing dishes!

My parents used to train us doing household chores when we were younger. They would assign a dishwasher at the certain time of the day. And I always end up getting dinner time as my share. Of all the meals in my family, dinner is the only meal where we are mostly complete. So that means, there are more dishes to wash. I used to argue about this - but to no avail...because I'd be in school at lunch time, anyway.

I don't know, but there is something about this chore that I just do not like. I would prefer doing the laundry, than getting soaked in the sink. So, I am thinking of saving up for a dishwashing machine. Thank you, for technology has a way of saving me from my misery.

On second thought, it must be expensive. I had to make a choice between two pairs of class A Prada immitation shoes, or the machine that would end my whinings. Whew! Tough one. But I guess, I had to take advantage of the footwear.

I could always moisturize my hands, anyway...or insist on fastfood and paper plates. :-)

the dissection of psyche

2007-12-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

"Love and Soul : had sought, and after some trials found each other. And that union can never be broken." -Hamilton

She was a mortal, with an immortal beauty. Envied by her kind, she is lusted by men. Aphrodite loathed her and she was scorned. More than anything else, she was a lover. She was was mistaken, she was hurt, she was tested.

She was real.

It was in college that I first came upon the synopsis of the Cupid-Psyche story. I was too busy with the other Olympian dieties to really concentrate on them. It was only until recently that I was able to delve deeper into what she had to go through...that made her all deserving to be exalted right beside her beloved.

When she married her so-called monster of a husband, she accepted her fate. And in darkness she savored the tender loving of the invisible beast. She's got all that she needed but she is deprived from seeing him. This is blind faith - believing beyond reasons. A requirement in relationships, that at one time or another, each of us has failed to submit into.

The heart is what makes us human. Because it is restless, she discovered that she wanted more than just what she already has. Wanting to go far beyond feeling his caresses, she had to see him. As upon first sight, she lost him. She violated his trust and thus, causing things to come in between them.

In search for the love that she once lost, she had to undergo ardous tests from Venus (ugh, in-laws! Even the mythologies, describe them exactly the way they really are!). Fortunately, fate was kind enough to provide her with the armaments in all her battles. It was her will to find Cupid that got her through. Love, indeed, finds a way.

And the most important part is, when they reunited, they have forgiven. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. It forgives and learns...and never stops forgiving until the other learns.

Psyche means "soul". Just like her, the human spirit is restless, blindly trusts in love, endures hardships and forgives offenses.

It is real.

penniless rich

2007-12-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

After four months, I have finally written.

Obviously, I will have more time for this. I now have the leniency of putting my mind into this emotional litterbox.

Speaking of this abundance of idle moments, I have thought about what awaits me. I am technically jobless and at the mercy of my dexterity. Perhaps, this loss is necessary. There must be a gain that fits. At corners of my mind, i kept on seeking for it. I was not able to find any that would suffice the culmination of a routine.

When I looked into my heart, indeed, i have found.

There he is, laying asleep beside me. At peace with my embrace. Adrift into a dreamful slumber. I stare in contentment. I await for those bashing eyelashes to wake...and my kisses are saved.