eyes wide shut

Insomnia attacks. Lately, I had been battling with awaken-ness. I could hardly sleep.

I miss the times that the moment lay my head on the pillow, I easily drift into slumber. Is it me or is it the bed?

Whatever.

Even the weekends are filled with running thoughts that are not worth the chase.

I wish to wake up from being awake.

from france to spain

“I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart. Someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”

-an excerpt from By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

Time is still and none but the silence of the outside noise awakened me. I tried going back to my day sleep, but none drools me like the night. I wished I could hide away the confusion and cover it with the blanket that I used to cover myself when I am cold.

Yes, that elusive peace that I deserve and the search for it is haunting me again - the peace that I longed to have with someone. I had a glimpse of that few weeks ago. Winding roads, dark and foggy, I have held the hands that secured me and whose heart is as restless and trapped as I am.

I expected to be unpretty. I expected to be jealous. I expected for demands over and under the linens. I expected to be on my own. Never did it cross my mind that I will be wrong. For all along, I was carried over to cross the concrete river. I could only hear the applause of the angels behind us.

I had my introduction to gambling. Yet, I never felt like it was all a risk. I was never a big better so I did just fine having fun with the little tugs and warm encouragements that was banked on me. I will never trade the soft kiss for a slot machine jackpot.

Surely, there are no repeats. There’s always everyday to look forward to, anyway.

penniless rich

After four months, I have finally written.

Obviously, I will have more time for this. I now have the leniency of putting my mind into this emotional litterbox.

Speaking of this abundance of idle moments, I have thought about what awaits me. I am technically jobless and at the mercy of my dexterity. Perhaps, this loss is necessary. There must be a gain that fits. At corners of my mind, i kept on seeking for it. I was not able to find any that would suffice the culmination of a routine.

When I looked into my heart, indeed, i have found.

There he is, laying asleep beside me. At peace with my embrace. Adrift into a dreamful slumber. I stare in contentment. I await for those bashing eyelashes to wake...and my kisses are saved.