from france to spain

“I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart. Someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”

-an excerpt from By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

Time is still and none but the silence of the outside noise awakened me. I tried going back to my day sleep, but none drools me like the night. I wished I could hide away the confusion and cover it with the blanket that I used to cover myself when I am cold.

Yes, that elusive peace that I deserve and the search for it is haunting me again - the peace that I longed to have with someone. I had a glimpse of that few weeks ago. Winding roads, dark and foggy, I have held the hands that secured me and whose heart is as restless and trapped as I am.

I expected to be unpretty. I expected to be jealous. I expected for demands over and under the linens. I expected to be on my own. Never did it cross my mind that I will be wrong. For all along, I was carried over to cross the concrete river. I could only hear the applause of the angels behind us.

I had my introduction to gambling. Yet, I never felt like it was all a risk. I was never a big better so I did just fine having fun with the little tugs and warm encouragements that was banked on me. I will never trade the soft kiss for a slot machine jackpot.

Surely, there are no repeats. There’s always everyday to look forward to, anyway.