Thursday, July 17, 2008

un-sober

i had another cup of strong americano. gracie and i went to enjoy some booze after work. both of us just got a little groggy but we were not able to obtain the drunken-ness that we are dying to achieve. we did not talk a lot because we were both preoccupied by the thoughts why we end up wanting beer instead of sleep. for the first time in months, i did not head directly home.

well, this is not an ordinary day...because we are dealing with a not so ordinary pain.

the pain of insecurity.

sorry, i could not extract more.

Friday, June 6, 2008

roll call

for the past two months, i had been busy with my new job. i moved to new company and it means the big "A" - - - adjustment. I had no more time to read and write. the only thing that i could do when i get home is turn on the computer and hit my play list and doze off to dreamland.

everything is doing fine and looking forward that its gonna be great in a matter of time.

meanwhile, evrything's simply easy.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

the queen

THE QUEEN
by Pablo Neruda

I have named you queen
There are taller ones than you, taller.
There are purer ones than you, purer.
There are lovelier ones than you, lovelier.

But you are the queen.

When you go through the streets
no one recognizes you.
No one sees your crystal crown, no one looks
at the carpet of red gold
that you tread as you pass,
the nonexistent carpet

And when you appear
all the river sound
in my body, bells
shake the sky,
and a hymn fills the world.

Only you and I,
only you and I, my love,
listen to it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

eyes wide shut

Insomnia attacks. Lately, I had been battling with awaken-ness. I could hardly sleep.

I miss the times that the moment lay my head on the pillow, I easily drift into slumber. Is it me or is it the bed?

Whatever.

Even the weekends are filled with running thoughts that are not worth the chase.

I wish to wake up from being awake.

Monday, March 17, 2008

missed tech girl

Oh my! I thought it will be forever. Finally, I was able to write again.
I had been a bum for two weeks...deprived myself of the web. I guess I had the time of my life to take off from the world first.

I have new job. Stricter than the previous...no internet access. Just the tools being used for the operations...very limiting...but i have to put my heart into it. Frustrating because I failed my first exam, but that was it. No second takes, but there is still tomorrow to come, anyway.

:-( I miss my friends...blogging, Friendster, Facebook and the free coffee.

This would just do for now.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

cindy on the loose again

I have enjoyed.

dating me


The Sonnet

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)


Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

Always avoid: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The False Messiah (DBLM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Last Man on Earth (RBSD)

Consider: The Loverboy (RGLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

coffee crumbles


What is your occupation? - HR soon to be a bum.

What color are your socks right now? - sock-less.

What are you listening to right now? - airconditioning sytem.

What was the last thing that you ate? - tocino...tocilog.

Can you drive a stick shift? - hate driving, love the car...

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?- no other than PINK.

Last person you spoke to on the phone? - Ponz

Do you like the person who sent this to you? - of course, love that girl.

Favorite drink? - coke.

What is your favorite sport to watch? - world pool championships.

Have you ever dyed your hair? - yeah, last week.

Dog name - geisha belle, snowy, strike, baby doll and bruno.

Favorite food? - anything non-veggie. i eat veggies, too, but on a taster's level only.

Last movie you watched? - on my pc only: we were soldiers. a mel gibson war classic.

Favorite Day of the year? - rainy days and mondays always get me down

What do you do to vent anger? - write. classic love songs. bed. emote.

What was your favorite toy as a child? - kitchen set.

What is your favorite, fall or spring? - summer.

Hugs or kisses? - xoxo - lots of both.

What kind of pie? - pizza pie. still a pie, right?

Do you want your friends to email you back? - of course. communication is a 2-way process.

Who is most likely to respond?- some only.

Who is least likely to respond? - my sis

Living arrangements? - scattered and unarranged.

When was the last time you cried? - a few hours ago. just a few teardrops of hapiness, though.

What is on the floor of your closet? - nothing. the bottom is empty.

Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? - i am gonna blog this.

The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are sending this to? - none.

Favorite smell? - newly changed bedsheets and his worn shirt.

What inspires you? - everything that happens inspires me to go on.

What are you afraid of? - ghosts and other unfamiliar animals.

Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? - spicy.

Favorite car? - nothing in particular.

Favorite cat breed? - pusakal.

Number of keys on your key ring? - 2

How many years at your current job? - almost 2 years.

Favorite day of the week? - wednesday. like today.

How many provinces have you lived in? - 2

How many countries have you been to? - 1

***thanks marie. i was able to pass time away, while my slideshow is buffering. yeah, i am making a very, very special slideshow, which i will soon send you. Hehehe! you know what it is.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

up karma down

I am gonna miss my long hair...goodbye split ends and tangles. Of course, I am not gonna miss being pissed off every morning when I am trying to look decent and not some frustrated bold starlet of the 60's. :-) hehe!

I am looking forward to long hours of travel today. I will be seeing calming sights of the countryside. Vangie and I will be coming over to Nabas to attend Divine's burial tomorrow. For the last time, I am gonna send off my friend to her corporal resting place. How I wish she could have seen my reddish hair. For sure, she will say, "Ate, ang arte mo talaga!!!" Someday, we will see each other in the most beautiful state.


---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo--- ---oOo---

The bygone wrongs bring forth sorrows and woes The bygone right breeds bliss. "This is the doctrine of Karma.”

What goes around comes around. This is the law of cause and effect. I came accross an article explaining how Karma works. Somehow, I had been skeptical about it, believing only that vengeance is not ours. Well, not ours really, but fate has a way of picking us up from the fall or pulling us down when we are way up there and out of control. It could either show its effect immediately, or its gonna exhaust its strength in the future. I am enlightened and encouraged to do more good. It is like banking for the future. It is an assurance more than Social Security could ever provide.

In the next lifetime, what entitiy would I be? Of course I don't wanna be an ape!!! Bloody hell! Ang panget, uy! I wanna be a butterfly. A princess butterfly. Colorful, free-flying and an agent of pollenation. Beauty with a purpose, huh.

Whatever. Just feeling queer. Hope to get a little lucky today.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

girlandia

Finally, i had my hair done. Thanks to Dexter, my stylist who refused to cut my hair short. No more bad hair days. Only, flippin' and bangin' my red head. The color was actually Dex's choice - a combination of Ash Brown and Burgundy, so when highlighted, it produces a golden, reddish radiance. In short, it's Christmas in February! Falala-lala-lalah!

I had been pretty busy lately. Busy catching up with rest and sleep during the day. I feel rejuvenated. Now, no more sleepless days. I had more time watching downloaded movies. I had the chance to watch my favorite mushy flicks again, which includes, Sweet Home Alabama,Freaky, Friday, Fools Rush In, Mean Girls and of course, ConAir!


And I get to watch something new, too. In The Land of Women.



It is actually a 2007 film where Adam Brody (Carter). plays the role of a heartbroken young man who decides to take time off by hibernating in a suburban place with his grandmother. Aside from taking the responsibility of taking care of his folk, he gets to meet Meg Ryan (Sarah) and her daughters which got him caught up in an emotional web.

It gave me some thoughts to figure out. There aren't enough men in the world. All through my school days, the ratio of girls versus boys is 2:1. The bi's and the gays are flourishing, so that is a big loss to the machismo population. This makes a land of women, indeed. Now, would it be okay for all women to share their men with the others? How I wish I could say, I don't mind, but if I would readily agree to this, I am definitely out of my mind. (No way, Jose!!!)

How about being a woman? Men thinks its easy being us. Why not go through a post partum? Or give birth to a nine-pound baby, naturally? Perhaps, they would learn to behave themselves, and know when to pop their balls out of their pants. I do not mean to generalize, but this is a bitter reality - men are just boys grown tall.

Too little men. Too little time. Love 'em. Keep 'em for as long as you can.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

day of hearts

Valentine had never been this special.

The past weeks weren't so kind. I have cried so much. I have lost so much. The only thing that I wanted for today is a good day's sleep with peace in my heart.

(My new Valentine babies from Ponz - Gaussian & Gradient.)

Here's a valentine message in a story: Thanks to Warrior of the Light

Gerson Luiz tells the story of a rose that longed for the company of the bees, but none would come to her. Even so, the flower was still capable of dreaming. When she felt all alone, she would imagi­ne a garden filled with bees that came to kiss her. And so she managed to resist until the next day, when she opened her petals again. “Aren’t you tired?” someone must have asked her.

“No. I have to go on fighting,” answered the flower.

“Why?”

"Because if I don't open up, I wither."

Monday, February 11, 2008

my 16 PF result

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Liveliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Paranoia ||||||||||||||| 46%
Abstractness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Introversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Independence |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Tension |||||||||||| 34%
Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Therefore, I conclude that I am a warm, intellectual, lively, dutiful, assertive, abstract, introverted and independent person.

Did it say beautiful?....Why not?

divina gracia

Never did I expect that the next time I will see her would be in an ICU bed at the hospital. My last memory of Divine was that she was carrying her days old baby in front of our terrace. Divine, Vangie and I were housemates not more than a year ago. We were actually next door neighbors and became good friends. We considered each other's family as our own.

During the dead hours of the day, we would talk about everything under the sun - from our "kikay" stuff to our love stories. Just like me, she was one impulsive lover. She and Ken met at the hotel where she works as a front desk attendant in the island of Boracay. They eventually fell in love and that bore them a baby boy, Franz. Plus, she is no stranger to me because she and my cousins in Kalibo were schoolmates.

Vangie left her door empty first. That left me and Divine, and the visits of our family members, together. We became a bit closer. There are times that I would look after her baby and her sister when she had to go to a nearby store. It didn't last that long, though. Weeks after giving birth, they had to go home to Nabas, Aklan. I was able to go their place before, but that was when we visited our parish priest's foster family and we haven't known each other then. Aklan is one familiar province because we have families there also. I even told her that when I go to Boracay, I would try my best to drop by.

I went to Boracay. I passed by Nabas. I thought of Divine and her family. But I wasn't able to drop by because I was in an outing with the whole company. I thought, some other time, maybe. Then, the rest of my thoughts about this friend, who looked up to me and considered me her "ate", were set aside. I knew that she and her baby is going to be well and safe in the care of her family, and in their own place.

This morning didn't go very well. The cold from the night's rain awakened me earlier than usual. I was planning to go back to my apartment early because in the afternoon, we have Angela's birthday party to attend to. I had to catch some sleep, for after the party I will be working again. In short, I am faced with a cold, manic Monday. I have just finished reading good morning wishes from friends and having my traditonal coffee and cigarette breakfast with my mom dowstairs when my phone rang again. It was a text message from Vangie saying that Divine is in coma in a nearby hospital. I had my things packed, so I immediately changed and met Vangie at the terminal.

We had a lot of catching up with each other's lives when we were on the jeepney. I apologized for the many invitations that I declined because I was so busy with work. I missed my goddaughter's birthday, and their fiesta, too.

Yet, we never imagined what awaits us in the hospital. When we got there, information had trouble locating Divine, so we had to double check it with the admitting section. When we finally got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit, we were confronted by Divine's fragile body all connected to tubes and wirings. We held each of her hand and shed our tears, for we cannot bear seeing her like this. We would imagine her baby waiting for her to come home and tells her this over and over, hoping that the thought of her son would bring her back, or even merit response.

She never responded anymore. But we could see the heartbeat monitor rise. Divine could hear us. How we wish we could hear her, too.

Ken arrived in the afternoon and we saw each other at the hospital at night when I dropped by after Angela's party. He had no more tears left to cry. I had to go to the office because I had to work. When I got to work, I had Ken and Vangie calling, saying that the family has decided. After the last drop of the intravenous medication is done, they will take the life support system. That would be anytime as I write now.

To you, my dear Divine:

Rest well, in the arms of the Maker. There will be no more pain for you, only hapiness and eternal peace. You have left us your hopes and your dreams and you have left us, Franz. You have lived fully, for you have loved truly.

We will miss you, friend. I just wished we could have seen each again other in a happier situation - like an afternoon coffee at Vangie's place or mine, with Via and Franz playing along. Who knows? By that time, I would already have my little "me" chasing them.

You are lucky, because now you are safe. You are becoming true to your name. I still have a lot to go through. Unlike you, I will still experience the hostility of the world and break my heart a hundred more times.

Watch over us.

See you later.

Friday, February 8, 2008

siete pecados


"Sin creates an inclination to sin. It engenders vice by the repetition of the same acts."

This is not to claim self righteousness, or to purchase a ticket to heaven. Simply, this is just a presentation of the sins that I, too, have committed and once or still developed as a vice. At the same time, it is also upsell the virtues that we often sin against.


PRIDE/VANITY. Defined as an excessive love of self and belief in one's abilities. It is where all the other sins root from. The battery that keeps all
evil working. Comes along with Pride, is it's twin sister, Vanity (- it is my favorite sin). They say that pride and vanity will always call for competition. "If someone else's pride bothers you, then you have a lot of pride yourself."

The horse and the color violet are said to be the allies of pride.


ENVY. Defined as desiring what other's have, may it be material or situational. Its is a manifestation of discontentment and a result of desiring more than what you have. Instead of being happy for the achievements of others, we wish for their losses. As Desiderata says, "Do not compare yourself with others because for always, there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

The dog and the color green are said to be the allies of envy.


GLUTTONY. Defined as the consumption of much more than what is required. It is taking much more than what we need. Acquiring more and more properties without considering that others do not even have something to eat. "Take everything in moderation."


The pig and the color orange are said to be the allies of gluttony.


LUST. Defined as the excessive craving for the pleasures of the body. It is wanting more of sex without taking into consideration of the emotions that come in between and the sanctity of its purpose. Thus, it is the id or the most primeval tendencies that controls over the mind and heart. Lust also has a twin named Promiscuity. "To highlight lust and promiscuity can hurt the body, the mind and as well as the soul."


The cow and the color blue are said to be the allies of lust.

ANGER/WRATH. Defined as a state of fury towards someone or something. It is a crippling emotion which will prevent you from doing good to others, especially if you are angry at them. It is a catalyst of revenge and all other wrong doings. "He who angers you, conquers you."


The bear an the color red are said to be the allies of anger.


GREED/AVARICE. Defined as the the sin of covetousness. It is the desire for material wealth. Greed is having so much at the expense of others. It is preventing oneself to grow. It is selfishness.
"Materialism is the only form of distraction from true bliss."

The frog and the color yellow are said to be the allies of greed/avarice.

SLOTH. Defined as indolence or the lack of willingness and passion for work, may it be physical or spiritual. It is the lack of effort to make a living and the indulgence in confort and luxury. "Work is love made visible."

The goat and the color light blue are said to be the allies of sloth.

The Bible does not specify a single book or even a chapter on these sins alone, yet they are present from Genesis through Revelation, as they are existent in our daily living and that, we are tempted (more often unconciously) to commit them.

I could not cast the first stone, but let us one by one pick up what sin we have thrown to others and choose to be virtuous for as much as we can.

"Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit."

Thursday, February 7, 2008

uplift from gmciusallc yahoo groups

Wed Mar 7, 2007 10:53 am


Character is the most vulnerable victim of assassination. And it is the most defenseless to attack. Yet, it could take in only a littleand most often, the damage is collateral.


If we stain other, people’s character, we do not only destroy what other’s see of him, but at the same time destroy what he sees of himself. And the most hurting of all, is that, we also damage ourselves.


Guilt is more of a killer than gossip. It may not be true the moment after the damage has been done, but in the our days of stagnation and degenerativity, we will come to realize that we wasted a lot of time minding other people’s business.


Not that I have never done that. I, too, had been both a victim and the assassin. For the rest of my life, I have sworn to salvage myself from both the damage and the guilt.


In this business we are in, we encounter a lot of different personalities. Some are nice, some not so nice, and some has lurking evil in their gut. Anytime, gossips from one to the other could roam around. Instead of mending it among the people involved, most of us would strip away confrontation as an option. Some would choose to involve others who are not supposed to be involved luring them to sin.


But let us not ignore that you get whatever you give. The effects of your being mean may not take its toll in the same place or immediately after each circumstance, but sooner than you will ever imagine.


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

i have left you my right

"No law shall be passed abridging the freedom of speech, of expression, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and petition the government for redress of grievances."

-Art. 3, Sec. 4 of the 1987 Constitution of the Philippines

Thus, stated in the Bill of Rights, that every Filipino has the right to peaceably redress their grievances. This in fact, is included amongst the highest law of the land. With this freedom comes great responsibility.

Here is my piece, and I hereby do my responsibility:

Many have read the articles in my blog. It is an extension of oneself. A primer to one's soul. I have friends who keep track of me through my writings, as I keep track of theirs, too. With this, we update each other with our lives without saying much.

Few days ago, I have received a feedback that one of my blog articles bothered some people. In the first place, why be bothered? There is nothing more bothersome than guilt. It killed Judas, right? I didn't even know those people read my blog. Perhaps, they are my friends who would like to keep track of me, too. Of course, I am glad that somehow, I could add them to my growing list of fans.

Until one day, I have received a message saying that I should be cautious about what I write because what I have written could be used against me. I am thankful, for the generous concern. Yet, I could not grant the request of one of my articles be hidden, edited, deleted or disclaimed. For I have none to fear, or the least be cautious about.

Those are my opinions, yes. But no one was specifically identified, neither did I drop any names. I was taught that responsible journalism is safer than latex condoms.

Art. 353 of the Revised Penal Code of the Philippines pointed that, "the elements of libel are (a) imputation of a discreditable act or condition to another; (b) publication of the imputation; (c) identity of the person defamed; and, (d) existence of malice." Unless all of these elements are present, no crime committed.

"A man's reputation is the estimate in which others hold him in, not the good opinion which he has of himself."


new leaf

Isn't it more of an overthrown flower, instead?

Anyway, I am glad that finally, my site looks shiny and new. It took me a long time to find a three-column template which would suit the title of my blog better. Well, of course, there are still the old ones, but most of it would be something this page couldn't do without.

Happy about the changes. Looking forward to finding more of myself as I blog on.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

from france to spain

“I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart. Someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”


-an excerpt from By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

Time is still and none but the silence of the outside noise awakened me. I tried going back to my day sleep, but none drools me like the night. I wished I could hide away the confusion and cover it with the blanket that I used to cover myself when I am cold.

Yes, that elusive peace that I deserve and the search for it is haunting me again - the peace that I longed to have with someone. I had a glimpse of that few weeks ago. Winding roads, dark and foggy, I have held the hands that secured me and whose heart is as restless and trapped as I am.

I expected to be unpretty. I expected to be jealous. I expected for demands over and under the linens. I expected to be on my own. Never did it cross my mind that I will be wrong. For all along, I was carried over to cross the concrete river. I could only hear the applause of the angels behind us.

I had my introduction to gambling. Yet, I never felt like it was all a risk. I was never a big better so I did just fine having fun with the little tugs and warm encouragements that was banked on me. I will never trade the soft kiss for a slot machine jackpot.

Surely, there are no repeats. There’s always everyday to look forward to, anyway.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

mad girl's love song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

by Sylvia Plath


For Melody, who's mad as ever...but a girl? That's better left in question. Hehehe!Just kidding my dear Melody fair...you are just more man that those substance abusers who couldn't even face their fears. Go girl. Sing the maddest love song, for I know in the end, you will have the loudest laugh.


Monday, January 28, 2008

candyman on the loose

"Nothing stings more than to strain your lungs away to sing to someone who wants to sing your song to someone else."

-a text message fron Tonette, 12:57am, 29th January 2008

(Sharing half of the camera with Tonette)


To those who were fooled
by his sweet talk and caring gestures:

You are not alone.
We are all victims of the truth
that he is such a conqueror.
And we have made ourselves
qualified for seduction...
voluntarily.

Here's the deal fellas:
he would bloat your stomach,
levitate your heart
and creep into your pants.

He will do all these
as fast and furious as he can,
because tomorrow
he will be gone.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

just this


Yesterday, i had the worst day and the best cry. It was an extraodinary day, indeed, because it will never happen again. I never felt drowned and floating at the same time. I was just - heartbroken.

Friday, January 18, 2008

looking alike

Just trying my luck of finding my long lost siblings!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

dying of stiff neck


Ugh. My neck hurts like hell! Perhaps, I am still adjusting to the waves of the waterbed. It's theraputic but just like all others, it needs a little getting used to. Perhaps, I will feel its comfort - soon.

Been eating a lot of pork lately...too early for hypertension...

10 Things to do before I die:

1. Keep my things in order.
2. Compile all my pictures in my PC in one folder - in memory of me...or make my own slideshow.
3.Arrange my funeral theme - make it magical and enchanting.
4. Have a complete family dinner.
5. Get my dogs lots of shampoos and leashes until they come of age that they do not destroy their leashes anymore, and walk them during my last 10 remaining nights.
6. Have a fun party with my friends.
7. Hair extensions and nail art.
8. Read a romance novel.
9. Body spa.
10. Fall in love.

He he he! Just kidding. There's a lot more, and one lifetime won't be enough.

catharsis

Hmmnnn...my recent few entries were all about my whinings about love, work and life. There are just a lot of evil spirits lurking around. Now, I have a lot to be happy about.

Finally, I am a proud mom to a bouncing baby boy!

I didn't know it was going to be a boy. I labored for him at an auction in the mall. When I finally held him in my arms, my dreams of having my own were fulfilled. He is the cutest!

Say hi to my newborn baby monkey kong, "Nonoy".

Me and my baby boy, Nonoy.


Nonoy with Tonet's baby girl, Lowlah...sweet, isn't it?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

rising star

All the while I thought, only women are so fond of gossips. But I was proven wrong by four d***kheads in my workplace. Why do they have to pry so much about my life when I don't even care about theirs? They must hate me so much, because I choose non-faggots. Perhaps it is their way to feed their children and buy their women and men clothes. How aweful...all their lives, they had to sell their goodness to survive.

Oh, these desperate wannabe's rely on the illusion and comfort that drugs could provide. That's why I became a controversy. To them, i am a shining star.

Sorry, boys. I prefer men with dollar accounts.

stealing Casanova

By the fair leather he sits,
deep in his thoughts.
Numbering his countless conquests
in bewilderment and steamy nights.

Late in the afternoon
I loved him in candid.
His strides - took control
of the world, of my heart.

More than power, more than wealth
his nose in its aquiline tilt;
Bashing lashes and gentle words
so perfect a timing when he held
my hand.

He posed to be only a quarter
of the man that I dream
But with the crunch in his laughter,
I become his concubine.

He lives his record
of twenty women kept
in twenty apartments,
and here i am:

aiming to dwell in twenty-first.

How i wish he speaks in French
or something more foreign
so that i will fail to hear
the hypnosis of his sweet talk.

But he speaks my language
and sings my song before me.
Availed himself for my grasp
when all else is dark and the road
seemed endless.

Even if I curl myself into a ball,
He would seduce, tease and tantalize
but leave me in torment

for this Casanova
will never be mine.

stealing Casanova

By the fair leather he sits,
deep in his thoughts.
Numbering his countless conquests
in bewilderment and steamy nights.

Late in the afternoon
I loved him in candid.
His strides - took control
of the world, of my heart.

More than power, more than wealth
his nose in its aquiline tilt;
Bashing lashes and gentle words
so perfect a timing when he held
my hand.

He posed to be only a quarter
of the man that I dream
But with the crunch in his laughter,
I become his concubine.

He lives his record
of twent women kept
in twenty apartments,
and here i am:

aiming to dwell in the twenty-first.

How i wish he speaks in French
or something more foreign
that i will fail to hear
the hypnosis of his sweet talk.

But he speaks my language
and sings the song before me.
Availed himself for my grasp
when all else is dark and the road
seemed endless.

Even if I curl myself into a ball,
He would seduce, tease and tantalize
but leave me in torment
For this Casanova will
never be mine.

Monday, January 14, 2008

dreaming of distant comfort

This had been another rough day. I woke up as early as 6.30 am and had been awake ever since. It's Monday, and as usual, it was manic. I had to toss whatever I could pull out from the closet into my tote. I had to bring some clothes to the pad because I am anticipating a really hectic work week.

I was correct. Monday, indeed, started busy. I had a lot to cope with, since I just came from a one-week escapade. So i have to face the consequences of my absence. I am praying that tomorrow everything will be alright.

Boracay, is it too far away?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

agony has no color except black and white


All doubts confirmed.

They are real and not just crocodiles on my mind. They are women who took him away from me and left me miserable and so much bitter now. I am not afraid to admit that my invincible heart is bleeding. I do not want to doubt the words, "I love you."

I believed in everything he said. But, there he was with her, holding her hands while watching the movie that I long to watch with him. He texts her lovely quotes and caring lines, while I get cursed and maligned. He went to church with her, while I had been asking him countless of times to at least pray with me. Perhaps, he makes sure she is home safe and I get to trudge dark sidewalks, almost drowning in my fears - alone.

Many nights, I lay in our bed smelling only what is left of his soiled shirt. While she gets to have him whole, and maybe, all night long. Often, I have to beg for kisses and embraces, while he might voluntarily give a warm hug when they are in some cold, dark place. All those nights, I am killing my dreams.

No happy childhood memory could serve comfort to my wailing heart.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

misses

I missed blogging! It had been quite a while. Of course, I went somewhere...hehehe! I just had a little break from work and enjoyed post holiday shopping.

Soon to blog more!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

"hush now... dear Marie," says unfortunate me

It's cold. I cannot stay long in my terminal because of the cold. Although, I've got my denim jacket, I am still chilling. I would rather stay out there in the lobby where it is a little warm and smoky.

For the past two days, I have been feeling skeptical. Not only feeling. In fact, advocating skepticism. Is it a hangover of the season, or I just could not accept entirely, that again, I am being taught my lesson the hard way.

Pehaps, I needed a little warmth - little reassurance that I am being loved and somehow not being denied, even to people who already know.

Marie and were talking about some uncertainties. I am so sorry my dear friend. I didn't mean to be so mean, and leave you hopeless. I should be telling you that on Sunday, you are going to be alright. But instead, I have been blurting out my own hurts and disappointments. It just so happened that we have the same, "different" plight. It is me who's currently being disillusioned.

We are both afraid of the same things - to be laughed at when left. Simply because when we pledged our so-called love, we are so proud of it. And it was a good thing that Hec, too, is proud of your relationship. He never claimed that he is single when you are around. :-( It was never a one-way honor.

My dear friend, it's not gonna be long and all of these will come to rest. Though Sunday holds a possible misfortune, just think about those kisses and embraces amidst the crowd. You have all the reason to hold on.

Just two steps behind, girlfriend!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

drink moderately

"To see the best side of others is a great gift."
-St. Marie Eugenie Milleret, Foundress of the Assumption

From silence, I have learned so much. It taught me things that I need not hear. My new year was quiet - but i did not miss the fireworks.

This year has a lot to offer, but what have I got for the year? Give up smoking? I have given that up...well, somehow I still steal intimate moments with the butt. C'mon, total abandonment is never easy. Be a vegetarian? I don't want to be a hypocrite, but i am no herbivore. Of course, I try. I will never give up on something that would be beneficial to my health. How about shopping? With the scarcity of time and funds, that would leave me choiceless. Had that change of heart long before my five-figure monthly income dropped down to four.

Perhaps, take it easy on myself. Be less stringent with myself and do not expect that I could change the unchangeable...like, give up after three trials. Be a little late, and do not wait in vain for those who always are. Keep being apathetic to those who does not, in anyway, contribute a little to my life. Have started it before the end of the year, so I just have to carry it on. Don't try too hard. Do what I got to do and stop going the extra mile, its just tiresome.

Been striving for excellence since time immemorial. Unreasonable, though. There are only a few gifted people who could have a hint of my best. Everyone's trudging the sidewalk. I better join them, too.

Love in a safe mode. Whew! This one I have to hit my real stubborn heart - real hard.