divina gracia

Never did I expect that the next time I will see her would be in an ICU bed at the hospital. My last memory of Divine was that she was carrying her days old baby in front of our terrace. Divine, Vangie and I were housemates not more than a year ago. We were actually next door neighbors and became good friends. We considered each other's family as our own.

During the dead hours of the day, we would talk about everything under the sun - from our "kikay" stuff to our love stories. Just like me, she was one impulsive lover. She and Ken met at the hotel where she works as a front desk attendant in the island of Boracay. They eventually fell in love and that bore them a baby boy, Franz. Plus, she is no stranger to me because she and my cousins in Kalibo were schoolmates.

Vangie left her door empty first. That left me and Divine, and the visits of our family members, together. We became a bit closer. There are times that I would look after her baby and her sister when she had to go to a nearby store. It didn't last that long, though. Weeks after giving birth, they had to go home to Nabas, Aklan. I was able to go their place before, but that was when we visited our parish priest's foster family and we haven't known each other then. Aklan is one familiar province because we have families there also. I even told her that when I go to Boracay, I would try my best to drop by.

I went to Boracay. I passed by Nabas. I thought of Divine and her family. But I wasn't able to drop by because I was in an outing with the whole company. I thought, some other time, maybe. Then, the rest of my thoughts about this friend, who looked up to me and considered me her "ate", were set aside. I knew that she and her baby is going to be well and safe in the care of her family, and in their own place.

This morning didn't go very well. The cold from the night's rain awakened me earlier than usual. I was planning to go back to my apartment early because in the afternoon, we have Angela's birthday party to attend to. I had to catch some sleep, for after the party I will be working again. In short, I am faced with a cold, manic Monday. I have just finished reading good morning wishes from friends and having my traditonal coffee and cigarette breakfast with my mom dowstairs when my phone rang again. It was a text message from Vangie saying that Divine is in coma in a nearby hospital. I had my things packed, so I immediately changed and met Vangie at the terminal.

We had a lot of catching up with each other's lives when we were on the jeepney. I apologized for the many invitations that I declined because I was so busy with work. I missed my goddaughter's birthday, and their fiesta, too.

Yet, we never imagined what awaits us in the hospital. When we got there, information had trouble locating Divine, so we had to double check it with the admitting section. When we finally got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit, we were confronted by Divine's fragile body all connected to tubes and wirings. We held each of her hand and shed our tears, for we cannot bear seeing her like this. We would imagine her baby waiting for her to come home and tells her this over and over, hoping that the thought of her son would bring her back, or even merit response.

She never responded anymore. But we could see the heartbeat monitor rise. Divine could hear us. How we wish we could hear her, too.

Ken arrived in the afternoon and we saw each other at the hospital at night when I dropped by after Angela's party. He had no more tears left to cry. I had to go to the office because I had to work. When I got to work, I had Ken and Vangie calling, saying that the family has decided. After the last drop of the intravenous medication is done, they will take the life support system. That would be anytime as I write now.

To you, my dear Divine:

Rest well, in the arms of the Maker. There will be no more pain for you, only hapiness and eternal peace. You have left us your hopes and your dreams and you have left us, Franz. You have lived fully, for you have loved truly.

We will miss you, friend. I just wished we could have seen each again other in a happier situation - like an afternoon coffee at Vangie's place or mine, with Via and Franz playing along. Who knows? By that time, I would already have my little "me" chasing them.

You are lucky, because now you are safe. You are becoming true to your name. I still have a lot to go through. Unlike you, I will still experience the hostility of the world and break my heart a hundred more times.

Watch over us.

See you later.

siete pecados

"Sin creates an inclination to sin. It engenders vice by the repetition of the same acts."

This is not to claim self righteousness, or to purchase a ticket to heaven. Simply, this is just a presentation of the sins that I, too, have committed and once or still developed as a vice. At the same time, it is also upsell the virtues that we often sin against.

PRIDE/VANITY. Defined as an excessive love of self and belief in one's abilities. It is where all the other sins root from. The battery that keeps all evil working. Comes along with Pride, is it's twin sister, Vanity (- it is my favorite sin). They say that pride and vanity will always call for competition. "If someone else's pride bothers you, then you have a lot of pride yourself."

The horse and the color violet are said to be the allies of pride.

ENVY. Defined as desiring what other's have, may it be material or situational. Its is a manifestation of discontentment and a result of desiring more than what you have. Instead of being happy for the achievements of others, we wish for their losses. As Desiderata says, "Do not compare yourself with others because for always, there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

The dog and the color green are said to be the allies of envy.

GLUTTONY. Defined as the consumption of much more than what is required. It is taking much more than what we need. Acquiring more and more properties without considering that others do not even have something to eat. "Take everything in moderation."

The pig and the color orange are said to be the allies of gluttony.

LUST. Defined as the excessive craving for the pleasures of the body. It is wanting more of sex without taking into consideration of the emotions that come in between and the sanctity of its purpose. Thus, it is the id or the most primeval tendencies that controls over the mind and heart. Lust also has a twin named Promiscuity. "To highlight lust and promiscuity can hurt the body, the mind and as well as the soul."

The cow and the color blue are said to be the allies of lust.

ANGER/WRATH. Defined as a state of fury towards someone or something. It is a crippling emotion which will prevent you from doing good to others, especially if you are angry at them. It is a catalyst of revenge and all other wrong doings. "He who angers you, conquers you."

The bear an the color red are said to be the allies of anger.

GREED/AVARICE. Defined as the the sin of covetousness. It is the desire for material wealth. Greed is having so much at the expense of others. It is preventing oneself to grow. It is selfishness. "Materialism is the only form of distraction from true bliss."

The frog and the color yellow are said to be the allies of greed/avarice.

SLOTH. Defined as indolence or the lack of willingness and passion for work, may it be physical or spiritual. It is the lack of effort to make a living and the indulgence in confort and luxury. "Work is love made visible."

The goat and the color light blue are said to be the allies of sloth.

The Bible does not specify a single book or even a chapter on these sins alone, yet they are present from Genesis through Revelation, as they are existent in our daily living and that, we are tempted (more often unconciously) to commit them.

I could not cast the first stone, but let us one by one pick up what sin we have thrown to others and choose to be virtuous for as much as we can.

"Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit."

uplift from gmciusallc yahoo groups

Wed Mar 7, 2007 10:53 am

Character is the most vulnerable victim of assassination. And it is the most defenseless to attack. Yet, it could take in only a littleand most often, the damage is collateral.

If we stain other, people’s character, we do not only destroy what other’s see of him, but at the same time destroy what he sees of himself. And the most hurting of all, is that, we also damage ourselves.

Guilt is more of a killer than gossip. It may not be true the moment after the damage has been done, but in the our days of stagnation and degenerativity, we will come to realize that we wasted a lot of time minding other people’s business.

Not that I have never done that. I, too, had been both a victim and the assassin. For the rest of my life, I have sworn to salvage myself from both the damage and the guilt.

In this business we are in, we encounter a lot of different personalities. Some are nice, some not so nice, and some has lurking evil in their gut. Anytime, gossips from one to the other could roam around. Instead of mending it among the people involved, most of us would strip away confrontation as an option. Some would choose to involve others who are not supposed to be involved luring them to sin.

But let us not ignore that you get whatever you give. The effects of your being mean may not take its toll in the same place or immediately after each circumstance, but sooner than you will ever imagine.

i have left you my right

"No law shall be passed abridging the freedom of speech, of expression, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and petition the government for redress of grievances."

-Art. 3, Sec. 4 of the 1987 Constitution of the Philippines

Thus, stated in the Bill of Rights, that every Filipino has the right to peaceably redress their grievances. This in fact, is included amongst the highest law of the land. With this freedom comes great responsibility.

Here is my piece, and I hereby do my responsibility:

Many have read the articles in my blog. It is an extension of oneself. A primer to one's soul. I have friends who keep track of me through my writings, as I keep track of theirs, too. With this, we update each other with our lives without saying much.

Few days ago, I have received a feedback that one of my blog articles bothered some people. In the first place, why be bothered? There is nothing more bothersome than guilt. It killed Judas, right? I didn't even know those people read my blog. Perhaps, they are my friends who would like to keep track of me, too. Of course, I am glad that somehow, I could add them to my growing list of fans.

Until one day, I have received a message saying that I should be cautious about what I write because what I have written could be used against me. I am thankful, for the generous concern. Yet, I could not grant the request of one of my articles be hidden, edited, deleted or disclaimed. For I have none to fear, or the least be cautious about.

Those are my opinions, yes. But no one was specifically identified, neither did I drop any names. I was taught that responsible journalism is safer than latex condoms.

Art. 353 of the Revised Penal Code of the Philippines pointed that, "the elements of libel are (a) imputation of a discreditable act or condition to another; (b) publication of the imputation; (c) identity of the person defamed; and, (d) existence of malice." Unless all of these elements are present, no crime committed.

"A man's reputation is the estimate in which others hold him in, not the good opinion which he has of himself."

new leaf

Isn't it more of an overthrown flower, instead?

Anyway, I am glad that finally, my site looks shiny and new. It took me a long time to find a three-column template which would suit the title of my blog better. Well, of course, there are still the old ones, but most of it would be something this page couldn't do without.

Happy about the changes. Looking forward to finding more of myself as I blog on.

from france to spain

“I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart. Someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”

-an excerpt from By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

Time is still and none but the silence of the outside noise awakened me. I tried going back to my day sleep, but none drools me like the night. I wished I could hide away the confusion and cover it with the blanket that I used to cover myself when I am cold.

Yes, that elusive peace that I deserve and the search for it is haunting me again - the peace that I longed to have with someone. I had a glimpse of that few weeks ago. Winding roads, dark and foggy, I have held the hands that secured me and whose heart is as restless and trapped as I am.

I expected to be unpretty. I expected to be jealous. I expected for demands over and under the linens. I expected to be on my own. Never did it cross my mind that I will be wrong. For all along, I was carried over to cross the concrete river. I could only hear the applause of the angels behind us.

I had my introduction to gambling. Yet, I never felt like it was all a risk. I was never a big better so I did just fine having fun with the little tugs and warm encouragements that was banked on me. I will never trade the soft kiss for a slot machine jackpot.

Surely, there are no repeats. There’s always everyday to look forward to, anyway.

mad girl's love song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

by Sylvia Plath

For Melody, who's mad as ever...but a girl? That's better left in question. Hehehe!Just kidding my dear Melody fair...you are just more man that those substance abusers who couldn't even face their fears. Go girl. Sing the maddest love song, for I know in the end, you will have the loudest laugh.

candyman on the loose

"Nothing stings more than to strain your lungs away to sing to someone who wants to sing your song to someone else."

-a text message fron Tonette, 12:57am, 29th January 2008

(Sharing half of the camera with Tonette)

To those who were fooled
by his sweet talk and caring gestures:

You are not alone.
We are all victims of the truth
that he is such a conqueror.
And we have made ourselves
qualified for seduction...
voluntarily.

Here's the deal fellas:
he would bloat your stomach,
levitate your heart
and creep into your pants.

He will do all these
as fast and furious as he can,
because tomorrow
he will be gone.