agony has no color except black and white

All doubts confirmed.

They are real and not just crocodiles on my mind. They are women who took him away from me and left me miserable and so much bitter now. I am not afraid to admit that my invincible heart is bleeding. I do not want to doubt the words, "I love you."

I believed in everything he said. But, there he was with her, holding her hands while watching the movie that I long to watch with him. He texts her lovely quotes and caring lines, while I get cursed and maligned. He went to church with her, while I had been asking him countless of times to at least pray with me. Perhaps, he makes sure she is home safe and I get to trudge dark sidewalks, almost drowning in my fears - alone.

Many nights, I lay in our bed smelling only what is left of his soiled shirt. While she gets to have him whole, and maybe, all night long. Often, I have to beg for kisses and embraces, while he might voluntarily give a warm hug when they are in some cold, dark place. All those nights, I am killing my dreams.

No happy childhood memory could serve comfort to my wailing heart.

misses

I missed blogging! It had been quite a while. Of course, I went somewhere...hehehe! I just had a little break from work and enjoyed post holiday shopping.

Soon to blog more!

"hush now... dear Marie," says unfortunate me

It's cold. I cannot stay long in my terminal because of the cold. Although, I've got my denim jacket, I am still chilling. I would rather stay out there in the lobby where it is a little warm and smoky.

For the past two days, I have been feeling skeptical. Not only feeling. In fact, advocating skepticism. Is it a hangover of the season, or I just could not accept entirely, that again, I am being taught my lesson the hard way.

Pehaps, I needed a little warmth - little reassurance that I am being loved and somehow not being denied, even to people who already know.

Marie and were talking about some uncertainties. I am so sorry my dear friend. I didn't mean to be so mean, and leave you hopeless. I should be telling you that on Sunday, you are going to be alright. But instead, I have been blurting out my own hurts and disappointments. It just so happened that we have the same, "different" plight. It is me who's currently being disillusioned.

We are both afraid of the same things - to be laughed at when left. Simply because when we pledged our so-called love, we are so proud of it. And it was a good thing that Hec, too, is proud of your relationship. He never claimed that he is single when you are around. :-( It was never a one-way honor.

My dear friend, it's not gonna be long and all of these will come to rest. Though Sunday holds a possible misfortune, just think about those kisses and embraces amidst the crowd. You have all the reason to hold on.

Just two steps behind, girlfriend!

drink moderately

"To see the best side of others is a great gift."
-St. Marie Eugenie Milleret, Foundress of the Assumption

From silence, I have learned so much. It taught me things that I need not hear. My new year was quiet - but i did not miss the fireworks.

This year has a lot to offer, but what have I got for the year? Give up smoking? I have given that up...well, somehow I still steal intimate moments with the butt. C'mon, total abandonment is never easy. Be a vegetarian? I don't want to be a hypocrite, but i am no herbivore. Of course, I try. I will never give up on something that would be beneficial to my health. How about shopping? With the scarcity of time and funds, that would leave me choiceless. Had that change of heart long before my five-figure monthly income dropped down to four.

Perhaps, take it easy on myself. Be less stringent with myself and do not expect that I could change the unchangeable...like, give up after three trials. Be a little late, and do not wait in vain for those who always are. Keep being apathetic to those who does not, in anyway, contribute a little to my life. Have started it before the end of the year, so I just have to carry it on. Don't try too hard. Do what I got to do and stop going the extra mile, its just tiresome.

Been striving for excellence since time immemorial. Unreasonable, though. There are only a few gifted people who could have a hint of my best. Everyone's trudging the sidewalk. I better join them, too.

Love in a safe mode. Whew! This one I have to hit my real stubborn heart - real hard.

payday mayday!

Kung hei fat choi!

At last! I am done with my payday task. Everyone's got their pay now. As usual, I did a lil explaining on some disputes...

I hope to have less of this in the coming year.

Happy New Year!

mad about il divo: the man i love

I have always been a classic.

Here's the English translation of Il Divo's "The Man You Love". Sounds good in Spanish, and I die everytime I read it in English.

If you look at me
you will find love in my eyes
you are my other half
I will give you all myself
without fear of making mistakes
I believe in you and
I will leave in your hands my illusion
I want to be in your heart
I want you to love me the way I love you

I only want to be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't want to change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

I want to be the place where you can shelter
your fear and quieten your anxiety in my arms
from today I'll be everything for you
until yesterday I dreamt of you
and now you're here
I want to know your secrets
I want to find out your dreams
I want to love you this way

I only want to be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't want to change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

I only want to be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't want to change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

Just to be the man you love

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAXIMUS!!!
May all your wishes come true - remember, good things come to those who wait. You will be granted all the desires of your heart. Just keep the faith.

waiting for ash

Staggered sleep. My mind is still cloudy from installment dreams. I had to go to the office for the my Australian Account training, but i guess, we have to cancel the mock calls for today. My beloved client wasn't able to go online since this morining, and of course, I have been standing by for that. All my communication lines are open, but he was not able to keep in touch. Perhaps he had gone clubbing again and forgot that he had a schedule with us today.

Anyway, what can I do? This my job. The job that I love so well. All these time, I had my world revolving around my job. I got everything here. I am enjoying what I do. Despite all the trouble and countless other disputes, we have each other, and we are happy.

This year, we hope to get more accounts, grow both in revenue and manpower. I have a vision for my company. One of them is having and enjoying our employment benefits.

Live, work, play.

boys are toys

“A man who fools a woman is like a fool who spits at the heavens. His spit never reaches the sky. It only comes back to his face.”

It is not so “me” to watch teleseryes. I did not happen to have a choice when I didn’t have work one night and my sis and the rest of my cousins were watching such. Of course, I wanted to spend some time with them, so I had to get into their world. There I was in front of the boob tube expecting a lot of boredom and avoiding critical thinking. I volunteered to go downstairs to get some chips and chocolates and let them stay in tuned, not minding if I miss a scene. When I got back, skeptical thoughts are running on my mind when I saw one of the characters crying in bed. Then, her bedmate (another girl, of course) holds her in comfort and said “…dapat kasi ipunin na natin ang mga luha natin at lunurin na natin ang mga lalaking ‘yan…”

Somehow, she is right.

We live in androgyny. Everything about men is misery. They’re only gonna do us dirt.They are gonna kiss us and make us cry. They are gonna leave us hanging every moment. They are gonna lie. They are gonna fool around and make us go mad. They are gonna give us what we want, but not what we really need. They are gonna take everything and be unreachable (as in…”the subscriber cannot be reached”…low bat? Aw, c’mon!).

I am the first born. My dad was honest enough to tell me that he was disappointed I am a girl. He wanted a son for an eldest. At first, I used to get mad, because there are times that I could not get what I want or do what I want because he would take reasons against my gender – e.g. staying out late at night or going to the movies alone…blah, blah, blah! I got even furious when he told me that I could’ve done a lot more it I were a he. I proved him otherwise, and we have come to terms with this. When I was old enough, he told me the real reason why he would rather have me as a son. For him, it is a great responsibility and a challenge to raise a girl-child.

Being my father’s child, I could be identified more of him than my mom. We are both passionate about movies and old songs. He is into art and books as much as I am. He was the one who read me my bedtime stories and taught me my ABC’s. It with his strict guidance that my penciled hand learned how to write. I owe my dexterity to all of his encouragement and pride. For a while, he was the only man in my life…as he always will be. Most of all, it was with him that I learned all that was written on the third paragraph of this prose.

But my learning about men, did not end there, of course. Not just because I wanted to be fair or avoid getting stoned to death by the members of the castrated species, but because as a woman and I am an incomplete man. There are just times that they are more fickle and unpredictable as we are. They are faced with make or break choices. When they hurt the person they love, their pain is doubled. Just like we are, they loose themselves, too.

There is even no need to drown them in our tears, because they drown in theirs.

I am not a man hater. Rather, a struggling lover. I am just trying to know them so well.